Author Topic: Joke Thread  (Read 14322 times)

Jake Parker

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: August 22, 2018, 11:25:49 PM »
An old one, but still a great read.

The True Definition of Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.


4GSR

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: August 23, 2018, 06:38:11 AM »
A 6" scale or ruler to some.  Used to stir your morning coffee right after wiping it off clean on your semi dirty coveralls. :D
Ken

groundhog

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: September 03, 2018, 01:29:46 AM »
I was sitting at a bar in London once when I spotted two very large women sitting across from me. Bored as I was, I listened to their conversation and realized they speak with accents.
 
 I said, “Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
 
 One of them yelled, “It’s Wales, you idiot.”
 
 Slightly taken aback, I said, “Ok, are you two whales from Scotland?”
 
 I don’t remember much after that.

Terrywerm

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1184
  • Total likes: 844
  • It's only down the road a little piece - Jordan MN
Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: September 03, 2018, 04:05:24 PM »
I was driving down the road the other day and stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. He was rather surprised that I stopped for him, so he said "You never know who you're picking up. I could be a serial killer."

I responded with "Really? So just what do you suppose the odds are that there would be two serial killers in the same car?"

Terry

Making chips with old machines!

savarin

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: September 03, 2018, 08:49:53 PM »
An Englishman Irishman and a scotsman went into a pub.The barman said"Is this some kind of a joke?"

dlane

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: September 07, 2018, 09:54:46 AM »
Barbie at 50
Derrick

Carpenter84

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #21 on: September 07, 2018, 10:03:31 AM »
Oh god, it's Mimi Bobeck!
Shawn

First 9x42 column mill, 9x42 Induma Knee mill,
Enterprise 10x28 lathe,
Ko Lee 6x12 surface grinder,
D. McKenzie 15" metal shaper,
Airco dip/stick 160 welder,

Bill Gruby

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: September 07, 2018, 11:09:05 AM »
 Age means nothing at closing time.  ROTFLMAO


 "Billy G"
Don't sweat getting old, you'll still do dumb crap, just slower.

An Optimist will tell you the glass is half full, the pessimist half empty, the engineer will say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

4GSR

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: September 07, 2018, 11:21:08 AM »
My wife is chunky, but she's beautiful compared to that! :-*
Ken

Carpenter84

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: September 07, 2018, 03:16:26 PM »
Lol. Better make sure she doesn't check in on you here, ken.
Shawn

First 9x42 column mill, 9x42 Induma Knee mill,
Enterprise 10x28 lathe,
Ko Lee 6x12 surface grinder,
D. McKenzie 15" metal shaper,
Airco dip/stick 160 welder,

dlane

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #25 on: September 07, 2018, 03:21:16 PM »
Yup
Derrick

GNAP

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #26 on: September 07, 2018, 03:22:59 PM »
Barbie at 50


it women like that, that drove men to sheep!!
jack

savarin

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2018, 03:18:30 AM »
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

savarin

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2018, 03:20:34 AM »


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Bill Gruby

Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #29 on: September 12, 2018, 07:47:38 AM »
 Let's try one that's a little risky.

 An older gentleman turned 100 at a family reunion. He was seated at the head of the table with his daughter and grandson. All was going well till the grandson put a viagra in the old timers water. The old timer drank the whole glass and announced in a few minutes he had to pee. The daughter said not so loud Dad just get up and go.

 The  old man did and came back in a few minutes with the whole front of his pants soaked. The Daughter exclaimed , what happened to you Dad, you're all wet.

 The old man said I pulled it out and started to pee and saw that what I had in my hand was not mine and immediately put it back.



 Delete if necessary, I thought it was cute.


  "Billy G"
Don't sweat getting old, you'll still do dumb crap, just slower.

An Optimist will tell you the glass is half full, the pessimist half empty, the engineer will say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.